rottencrotch

I haven’t used this site in a very very long time and I found myself re-reading my blogs and laughing to myself. Now before we all get our XXL panties in a twist - I’m still ridiculously overweight…177lbs. For being 5′3, this makes me fat. Not curvy, and womanly - nor chubby or rounded - but F-A-T. I even have pictures to prove it. In porn, I’d be BBW. And hairy, and most definitely in the amateur department.

However, I’m not as blubby as I used to be. This is a fact. When I started blogging, or just plain moaning at Buddy Slim I was 184lbs. I embarked on a silly meal replacement program which was expensive, counselling by numbers and involved eating dried sand. Or at least that what it felt like. Food became THE most important thing … I craved it, I wanted it, I was counting down the days till we could meet again.

And thats no way to live a life. I never thought I’d say this, but I ain’t looking for the quick fix anymore. I’ve dropped down by rethinking my attitude. It’s only happened in the past 6 months and now I feel I’ve got enough of a handle to attack this head on. My eating habits, and indeed, tastes have changed dramatically. I’d even go as far to say that everything has changed. My style, my happiness, my outlook. My weight is a by-product of my lifestyle - it doesn’t determine anything else. If I feel shitty, unloved, ugly, stupid - well there HAS to be more to it than wearing a fat girl size, right?

Im motherfucking Ghandi with a crappy tattoo, grey hair and a belly.

Theres really something in that.

If I put on another pound I think I might legally be allowed to commit homicide. Awesome.

186lbs, Im officially back to being a wee fat fuck. Im now back on the bandwagon.

Jen x

So, an update.

For those who arent aware, I undertook the LighterLife programme which is basically hardcore slimfast, slimfast for sadists and complete meal replacement. Gauranteed to lose weight, abstaining from all food combined with transactional analysis to see why we over eat. It works. It really does (500 calories a day and being in constant ketosis aka fat burning mode and you will drop weight).  After 6 weeks ish on it, Ive decided to stop the program.  Im not even thinking of failure here, this a concious decision based on a number of factors.

a) I stopped enjoying it. At first, I got a buzz from losing weight, removing choice was something that suited me.

b)I came to the realisation that I enjoy food. I missed it. Which I know is emotional and all the rest of the Lighter Life jargon but I actually missed sharing meals with friends, family and the like. Now, if this makes me a lesser individual because I cant enjoy myself without food then so be it. Fuck it.

One of the turning points was a meeting with an old friend. I had seen her in a year and shes moving to Edinburgh (crap city - Glasgows miles better) and shes lost a cracking amount of weight ….11st 7 to about 9 stone 2 (160 pounds to  128 approx). After getting all the love life stories, the career stories and the like out of the way we broached the ‘diet thing’. Basically, she said - I stopped dieting. She upped activity and every time she ate she went…okay, im probably going to feel like shit after I eat this…so whats the point? And it was like a wee ding dong in my head. I was sitting nodding like a wee nodding dog and going ‘uh huh, yep, mmmmm totally’ and I thought, ‘if she can do it, why the fuck cant I?’ Ive developed will power in spades since doing Lighter Life, and Im feeling loads better….so why not? Shes also similar in height, and shape.

I resemble an egg on legs. I have skinny ankles, decent legs for being a wee fatty and a big belly, and massive boobs. With the aids of corsets and flattering camera angles I can just about pull it off, letting the camera take the photo from above and tucking your bingo wings in (seriously, it WORKS).

Why not indeed?

So thats that, I have a goal of Ibiza to be down in weight, feeling and looking better - making better choices blah de blah de blah. I know and accept the weight loss isnt going to be as dramatic as LL, but so what? Long term vs Short Term every time. Im not berating Lighter Life, in fact it works amazingly for some people, but at this moment in time, not for me.

Anyhow, in other news, Ive been to LOADS of gigs lately, biggest one being a 4 day festival called T in the Park. Rage Against the Machine, REM, Kings of Leon (seriously, you’s americans need to wake up to see how good this band is…they sell out the UK but are relatively unknown in their home country), Vampire Weekend, MGMT ……over 160 bands. I was sharing a tent with an extremely hot Northern Irish bloke so only managed to catch the ones I really wanted to see…. make of that what you will. In fact, Im deluded - I did share a tent with said hot piece of ass, but just a wee kiss and nothing else. Boys are so predictable, hold it back and they come running. Although he did get embarassed when I shouted - its not a fucking game of Tetris, stop trying to push your willy against my back… (he wasnt, but the tents were thin and everyone was listening )….Im a bad bad person.

Back to weightloss. Ive devised a patented (not really) system which cannot fail. Has anyone seen Trainspotting? If you have, theres a scene were Ewan McGregor is weaning himself off heroin and does a checklist, which has mineral water, chicken soup, tomato soup and buckets for shit and spew.

Mines isnt a drastic as this. However, in terms of electrical appliances I have appropriated a Nintendo DS Lite, from my sister….and a new vibrator (not from my sister, as that would be wrong, on many many levels). Both plastic dreamweavers require both hands to a certain extent SO NO CHOWING DOWN WHILST I GET MY MARIO ON/MY GROOVE ON.

No rules, but guidelines. I’ll keep away from fizzy drinks, do most of my eating during the day, make sure for the most part I prepare my meals and limit takeouts and big massive meals.  Easily do-able, wont depress me and Im not dieting. Just thinking, how will I feel after eating this?

Has anyone seen the Wii Fit adverts on US telly? Well the song played is from one of my favourite bands…its called On Board by Friendly Fires. You tube it, its really buzzy, groovy and the video is cheap and cool.

Viva la Rottencrotcho, and Im away to read some blooooogs, or maybe test run the Nintendo (and no, thats not code for anything!)

x

You cant keep a fat girl from the cookie jar…and you most certainly cant keep a good girl down.

I havent updated this in aaaages, and as much as I’d liked to have said - Life took over, but realistically it didnt. I had a fortnight of music festivals, nights out, massive meals and allsorts of unhealthy options and just thought - I’ll give myself a wee break.

 Talk about crooked thinking. Im going to keep the ‘Today is a new day’ bullshit to a minimum, as its somewhat overplayed and everyone knows it anyway. What I am going to do is stick to this plan today, and see where it takes me.

 I’ll write more shocking tales of luridness and cream cakes later!

x

After my 4 days wagon trailing curry/fish soup meltdown,  I got firmly back on track the Monday morning with some delicious shakes and tantalizing water. I may have mentioned that when I started this diet a few weeks back, I felt great and no detoxing in sight.

Alas, this was not to be the second time. I felt as if a 10 tonne lorry had knocked me down, reversed back over me and then kicked me in the head and called me fat just to add insult to injury. And only after 4 days off!  I dread to think if I had taken a week off and then back on….anyhooo, the worst is over and I went for my weigh in this morning. And I lost 4.4lbs! Im really really chuffed. Invigorated, enthusiastic, over the moon and feeling so much better.

Unusual things I have noticed this week:

• My friends are wild when drunk. And no doubt this is me when I am drunk. I was out clubbing last night and stayed sober, sipping water (I always equate people in clubs sipping water to being on drugs, obviously I was wrong!), found myself being overly responsible and looking after jackets, drinks and playing hostess with the mostess (or moustache as is my fate having nearly black hair….). I also had a chat with one of my friends who is quite a bit of a party animal; and she let me into a wee secret…that she doesnt actually go over 2 drinks per night and its all just smoke and mirrors. This is what I aspire to! I had a brilliant night, and really wasnt expecting to due to being sober. Its making me think of quitting it for a longer length of time….lets not run before we can swig the vodka from the baby bottle Jen!
• My weight is decreasing and my self worth is increasing. Well, its either that or my libido has gone - but I’ll go for the former as thats much more polite and noteworthy! Im not sure how this happened….but when those  ex boyfriends or friends with benefits came calling I really just thought…’Nah, whats the point?’. Maybe before I would have seeked some attention from anywhere, even if it left me feeling pretty shitty or used afterwards - just to feel validated perhaps, attractive maybe or possibly just to get my rocks off. Now that my little inner light is shining elsewhere, Im quite happy to work on myself and I genuinely have no desire to pander to a fuckbuddy or waste my time with people Im not really into,and arent really into me, just to aviod being lonely. I tend to feel that a lot of my ex’s or random little kisses has been because they know me, and my personality.  My friends constantly slate me for being The Sexual Samaritan, and going for people who maybe aint stunning lookswise. Personally, Im all about the personality - but I cant use that as an excuse as most have been total pricks as well as being rotten?! I think I could maybe handle pretty and vapid…..

Yeeesh, if Im this self obsessed dropping just 12lbs, what the fuck am I going to be like when I get down to 140?  

Hope everyone is fantastic and well. Kama my love to you and your mum! I always re-read my blogs and think…fuck, hardly inspirational and very much not about the health and fitness side of things, but if you cant be ruler and dictator of your own blog, then where can you be?!

So I fell off the wagon tremendously. Much more than falling off, more like a big massive leap into the abyss known as Curry and Cullen Skink. But it was worth it.

Funerals are strange things. Im not saying anything groundbreaking here, but you have the dichotomy of pure unadulterated sorrow and sadness, with the joy of spending time with your family. And also the wild abandon of ‘Fuck It’ with the diet.  I didnt go mental - apart from a curry we had the night of the funeral and copious amounts of booze. There was only 2 proper meals in the 4 days but in true typical fashion all the neighbours had made sandwiches and cakes and nibbles and all the stuff you want to ignore at the buffet as they knew ‘all the visitors from the city’ would be there. Its that kind of small village, and its sweet.

But anyway, I had a break of 4 days from the diet, and you know what - I dont care. Im glad I did. I’ll make it up at the end of the 100 days and also, its given me renewed vigour for starting again. Which I did today. And I dont know, but its taken the focus away from the diet. This eating plan is only one facet of my life, and in order to truely integrate it - I need to stop making it the ‘be all and end all’.

One of the best things about the weekend was Cullen Skink. This is an old Scottish soup that is made, and it is wonderful….absolutely divine. So I shall tell you all about it. Nevermind your scottish delicacies of Haggis, and Deep Fried Mars Bars (seriously, this is a delicacy in Glasgow) …this Cullen Skink is where it is at.

Heres whats in it : Smoked Haddock, onion, milk, mashed potato, butter and seasoning.  Amazing. Its basically a thick smoked haddock soup. If anyone ever sees this on a menu, or indeed comes over to Bonny Scotland, then please try it.

So thats that. I have no witty repartee, no banter or interesting weight loss anecdotes. Just a little boot up the bum to keep myself on track and Im desparete for the next few weeks to be all about the weight loss and getting back into swimming and getting my shit back together.  One thing to take solace from was that my gran had written us grandkids a letter and I, being the oldest, read out the night before the funeral. It was dated 5th of May, practically 6 weeks before she died and it lets me think that she had begun to make peace with herself. The crazy old boot also left each of us grandkids £3000, telling us it wasnt much and to spend it wisely and have fun. Ive decided to use it to finish off my driving lessons, so I can make the journey to visit her graveside up north when ever I wish.

That was typical of her. Always thinking of others till the very end.

And on a lighter note. Here is some old scottish words that Id forgotten about (I live in Scotland, but in Glasgow which is a big city …and much nicer than Edinburgh, haha - however the language used up north where my family is from is mental).

A Quinie …pronounced Kwyineee means girl.

Bairn - means baby, or young child

Loon means boy.

There you go, informative eh?

As a proud Jennifer myself, Ive noticed that there are LOADS of Jennifers on Buddy Slim. I think its a conspiracy girls, I tell ya! Ive never met a fat Stacy yet, so I may be up for changing the ol’ name. I could also live with Puddleduck. Puddleduck Lawson, pleased to meet you. Yes, your honour, my name is Puddleduck Lawson and I swear I didnt steal that mans burger from him whilst high on a mixture of full fat Coke and sugar.

As per usual I digress.

So I am now on Day 12 of Slimfast for Sadists and I have not faltered. I did catch myself licking a bit of cheese - what was that all about?! I put it in my mouth, started laughing and spat it back out. What a nutjob.

Things Jen, sorry, Puddleduck has learned about herself in the past 12 days :-

• I am the epitome of the emotional binge eater.
• I get excited about poo’ing very easily and I feel more comfortable pee’ing with the bathroom door open (much to the detriment of my poor housemate)
• I enjoy watching food programmes even more now
• Subways no longer arouse me

Firstly, Im in a quandry. Im also an emotional wreck right now, which if you have gathered anything from my blogs, I hope it is that Im not overly emotional. My beloved, amazing, most fantastic fucking granny passed away on Monday evening at 11pm after an operation that her body just couldnt handle. I wont go too much into it, as its just a tad upsetting and Im in work and dear god, I am UGLY when I cry. Maybe I should have added that to my list? Anyway, Im probably still in shock and Im not looking forward to the funeral - but then again who does? I do however have my big sunglasses and snazzy black dress which makes me look like an obese Victoria Beckham, so I shall be uber glamourous and they will hide the mascara marks that will no doubt occur plentiful over the next few days.

Things that are good about this situation:

• My gran had the option of this surgery. She either didnt take it, and die of cancer and crumbling bones anyway soon. She did take it, and had survived - well, her quality of life would have been absolutely crap anyway.
• The funerals up the north of Scotland - the family will be together
• She was the linchpin of our family …. if we can get through this relatively unscathed, then I can cope with anything. And I mean anything. Nothing else could throw me more (apart from a parent or my sister dying) more so that this woman passing away.
• My appetite is fucked. But I wanted to binge so badly, just to feel good when I heard the news. I didnt, and thats some fucking accomplishment ….leading to the cheese incident, which was quite funny anyway. I learnt a lot about myself in terms of dieting/bingeing.

My quandry is this - my granda is arranging a meal the night before the funeral - I want to be there, and I want to eat. But I dont want to break this period of abstinence. I think I’ll make my decision on the night….I may go for plain protein and light salad. And I cant be arsed with my family going - why arent you eating blah blah blah. Ive spoke to my mum who says she’ll sit beside me and sneakily eat it.

Imagine that - me allowing someone to eat off my plate. Unheard of. The times they are a changing.

I couldnt think of any creative witty enticing headlines, so I thought Id just cut to the chase.

I went to my first weigh in this morning, and Ive lost 7lbs. I got a call today to say that a friend has just had a baby of 7lbs…..just think, thats came off of me, and out of her!  My BMI has went from 31.9 (Obese) to 30.6 (Still Obese) but the good thing is that even a small loss will move me into the Overweight Catergory. I’ll still be fat, but recently Ive been thinking more about the health risks than just the cosmetic stuff.

Anyhooo…I wee’d onto the wee stick to check that Im in Ketosis, aka burning fat and not using my glycogen stores and I am, so thats good news. To be fair, I thought I was, as my death breath is starting to wilt flowers. Standing in the supermarket with my dad yesterday (who was buying a cooked chicken, so as far as Im concerned - he deserves all he gets) and he went - Fucks sakes Jen, I can smell your breath - its minging. Aye cheers Pops ya big ginger nugget. This is after I spent £60 on him for Fathers Day. The boys got smarts, cause he knows he’d be getting nothing if he was cheeky before! I have to say, my family have been incredibly supportive. I have the unlucky title of the fattest of myself, my mum and my little sister …..and my little sister is gorgeous, my mum a mere 43 (and Im 25) and also stunning…..but they email/text and call to check up on me, and constantly tell me how proud they are of me. Never thought Id say this, but I really think they are going to make the huge difference of abstaining or failing.

Something interesting came up during our wee psuedo therapy session today. We were looking at ego states; and back into our childhood to see how our parents reacted with food; and I genuinely couldnt think of anything particularily negative or life altering. Then I remembered how much of a treat it was to go to my grannies. How much I LOVED going there. Maybe theres a connection between that, and the fact that from the moment I went, until the moment I left I got fed. I was eating. She still does it to this day.

Food for thought. Pardon the pun.

So roll on next week. Bring it on! Ive  started my period so that may have a slight effect , but I still dont care to be honest. My skin has never looked better, its usually quite dry and now its really smooth.

Smooth as a 7lb’s babys bum you might say.

I say Big Fatty House, I dont mean it…my rather beautiful flatmate is a size 10. But Day 6 in the Big Fatty Confines of my Room didnt really have the same snappy attention grabbing effect. And we all know blogging is about getting attention yeah? Im kidding, Im kidding. The second part of the title is the results of putting ‘fat girl jokes’ into google (you think this is all my own material…no way jose). I may have it tattoo’d on me.

Anyhoooo. An update is called for; Im coming to my 6 th day of abstinence (see, Im down with the Lighter Life Lingo already) and Id love to say its been a dramatic time of highs and lows, tests and traumas but Id be talking shite. For the purposes of this blog to be a true and accurate reflection of my LL experience (did you see that? LL - man Im such a professional) I shall be honest.

Its been easy. Not difficult. Im not hungry. Im sleeping better. I dont feel as bloated. I like not having choice. I enjoy the shakes, they taste like cake mixture and I even made a rather chewy muffin tonight in the microwave. My arms have probably gained more definition from lugging that huge fucking blender here there and everywhere. I do however have a weird metallicy breath thats probably classed  as a Weapon Of Mass Destruction (See, Bush - you didnt need to lie - I have them right here!) and im pissing like a racehorse but all in all I find this okay.

Whats even more surprising is that my enthusiasm wasnt dented by the fact that I got weighed on Wednesday whilst in the LL offices to change some of my packs and it only showed a 1.2lb loss. Fuck, I could lose that under normal circumstances by doing a really big shit.

Now, there are numerous reasons for this.

a) My weigh in time is 9am on a Saturday. I got weighed on Wednesday at 5pm. We all know our bodies fluctuate during the day.

b) I had just drank 2 ltrs of water, and needed to pee and poop. For not having any actual food, I sure am hitting those number 2’s heavy.

c)I had on really baggy, heavy jeans and a hoody. Not my ultra light outfit as explained in the previous blog.

But you know what? I dont care. I feel good. All of the above are excuses. Albeit probably valid ones, but who cares? Fuck it. The weight will come off regardless if Im dressed up as a monkey at 12pm on a Monday night after drinking my body weight in water.

So thats that. I have felt moments of weakness, but these have been sure as shit emotional hunger and not physical.

I came home from a terrible session at work which just left me drained, pissed off and ready to eat PIZZA. I should explain. I work for a leading charity that works in sexual health and I facilitate groupwork with young people aged 11-18 years old. Its a 6 week programme and we cover all aspects of Sex, Sexual Health, Sexuality and Relationships. Basically sex education without limits. Its an amazing job and my job title and business card rocks (Sexability Project Officer).

Usually its a blast. But this one was absolutely dire for a number of reasons. Firstly, I usually insist on it being the same young people week in, week out for the duration. Its basic group work theory. This one wasnt. It was all different people and I found myself having to explain things over and over because the majority were new. It was also mixed sex. Thats a huge no - no. Boys and girls in their teens want to flirt, giggle and wind up. They are too much of a distraction for each other. Girls dont want to speak up and show too much knowledge cause the boys will think they are slags or sluts. Anyway. In the group of 15 all ranging from 13-16 years old we had three girls pregnant. We had comments such as ‘ Im not using condoms cause I dont like them and if a chick gets up the duff then I’ll just fucking ignore her’ and ‘Aye man, gays are just fucking wrong and they should all be dead’. I swear there was at least 2 potential sex offenders in the group. And the subject was really important this week - Sex and The Law (basically dont rape anyone and please make sure the person you are fucking is over 16, or you’ll go to jail and become someones bitch and then we’ll see who really hates the gays’).

So not a success. But I didnt binge. So a success of sorts. I did go out and binge on DVDs. I mean, I cant buy food or alcohol or clothes and really what else am I meant to do?

I’ll have the best DVD collection this side of Blockbuster in no time.

Day One on Lighter Life is over.

But before I get started on the past 24 hours, I should probably give you the lowdown on my final fling with carbohydrates and alcohol. To cut a long story boring, it ended up being 1 glass of rose and 2 glasses of vodka, blackcurrant and lemonade (known in these parts as ‘wreck the hoose joose’ - if you say that in a Scottish accent it will all come together, I promise!). Hardly a sin filled boozefest. I was in bed for 11pm. I ate some chocolate raisins, a pot noodle (which is basically fake food anyway…) and that was that.

The next morning I got up bright and breezy - the sun was splitting the sky, which for Scotland is truly tremendous. I decided to put on some white linen trousers, and a black tightish vest, with a wee cardigan to hide the bingo wings or best known as saggy droopy underarms.

I’ll explain my reasoning for blogging my clothing. Ive been doing shedloads of research on this diet (i’ve read the internet, and it was easy…‘), devouring ‘before and after’ pictures, reading peoples experiences and thoughts and feelings ad infinitum. What has struck me is that most of the pictures that represent the B.C period (before control) are usually dressed in black…or maybe not black, but you just know its the ladys comfort clothes, or the ones that hide the most. This, I can understand. I can relate. But Im not going down that route. We all know the fashion rules. White trousers on a fatty? No no. Well I say fuck you. I deliberately wore an outfit that wouldnt be flattering….no, in fact thats wrong….I deliberately wore an outfit that wasnt deceiving. Im not sure what the difference is, but there is one, thats for sure.

I got to the group and was struck on just how diverse the make up actually was. There was younger folk, older folk, prettier folk, fatter folk, slimmer folk….as we told our stories I made a wisecrack about how I was doing this to go to Ibiza with a bunch of girls who were like a cross section from Vogue, which made everyone laugh. Then I went on to hear the rest of them and felt truly, truly thankful. One woman was upset because she was losing her daughter to her best friend….as she couldnt take her out swimming or running and felt she was losing a bond…another was having her file closed at the IVF clinic unless she got her BMI under control by August.

And theres me whinging cause I’d be hiding under a towel in Ibiza with all the pretty kids. Lessons in how to feel humble No. 1.

But lets get to the good bit -the group had started a week previously - I was a late addition. And out of the 12 people there, no one lost less than 7lbs….one woman (the IVF lady) lost 11lbs. The bright spark in me said, yes its water weight….but still. Fuck me sideways with a rubber chicken…..thats an amazing amount of weight to lose.  So we will see how I fare next week.  I left, determined to start that day even though I had a party that night to go to. Why not fling myself into the deep end?

I consumed my 5 litres of water, I made friends with the urinal (my lipstick has never looked so good, as I was constantly retouching it) and ate my soups and shakes. Which are completely fine -I had thai chill soup, hot chocolate, and before bed I mixed a vanilla and raspberry shake with crush ice and it was lovely. Im a weirdo anyway, I like airline food and other trash, so this wasnt that bad.

What I will say is that the amount of people who noticed I wasnt drinking was amazing. Not in a good way. Accompanied by - ‘Ah who chucked their sperm up you’….or ‘Are you pregnant’…or ‘Its my party cant you start tomorrow’…’Aye right, you wont last’…..repeat to fade.  I havent told many folk its an extreme diet, just that Im off the booze.  I ignored the buffet all night, and I also ignored the onion rings that were sat in front of me. I left early as I was falling asleep, but had to take my 4 inch stilettos off when I was walking down the road as they were hurting my feet…just like I normally do when completely trashed, the alcohol not there to numb the pain.

So I guess somethings never change.